Tag Archive: active duty


We recently just passed the 180 day mark of my husbands deployment, and looking at a possible 120 more days to go.  Last year my husband had already returned by this point, now we are looking at almost 2 deployments all wrapped into one.

Many of you who follow this blog series are currently in or have been in this same position and as perfectly supportive as we want to be, eventually carrying the life and sanity of your family solely on your shoulders starts to get to you….

For months and months I have shared our lives with my husband.  Creating a special blog solely  for him so he can access our lives and events here, see tons of photos at one time and be able to print them off at his will.  I’ve sent care packages, products that he’s requested and I have written book long emails to keep him informed of all that life has brought us or taken from us during these past 6+ months…

It wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how depleted I am.  Just  a brief run down of what is going on in my life right now:

-Just started a new position as a national career advisor

-Coach Jr. Farm Volleyball 3 nights a week

-Work full time as a model

-Wake up everyday as a Mom with 2 kids and all that that entails

-Jr. Farm baseball 3 nights a week

-Mom moving in with us for 6 months and prepping the house for that (laying down new floors, organizing rooms etc.)

Ok, so that is a very GENERAL scenario.

This past weekend was an especially busy time for me.  Saturday was occupado with a 2hr baseball game with our oldest son, then home to prep for a wedding I was attending that evening.  Needed to arrange food for the kids and babysitter, organize the bed time routine, put out pj’s, get the kids bathed etc. all before I left.

Then I was at the wedding, which was the most beautiful, ornate and lavish affair I’ve ever attended.  That says a lot considering all that I’ve accomplished and done in my life so far…I was out with 2 of my good friends and really enjoying myself.  My babysitters Mom said to relax and enjoy and that coming home a bit later was no problem.  Phew considering I’d already been at the wedding for 3 hrs and we weren’t even at the main course yet…

All during dinner I was emailing photos of the different courses to my husband so he could share in the event with me and see just how gorgeous everything was.  This is what I do, make sure he is a part of everyday here.

On Sunday morning with eyes half open I began my assault on my house to make sure everything was set up for our premier showing of the full KikaPaprika Fall Collection.  Cleaned bathrooms, living rooms, set out all the information, laid out the clothing, ran to the grocery store, made appetizers, put out beverages, etc.

The party started at 2pm and the last guest left at 930p.  The whole day I did not have time to sit down and get on the computer.

While vacuuming I missed a call from my husband who had said that email and phones were back online and that it’s very busy.  He’d catch up later that evening.

I was bummed of course but kept moving forward.  I still had things to get done.

During the last few hours of my party I started to receive messages from my husband “Hello?” and that’s all.  Or “Psst…still nothing?”

Honestly, it got to the point where I just ignored them.  Say what you will but let me explain:

Here is the difference, when I don’t hear from my husband for days, maybe even a week, I don’t stress, I don’t send emails 3 times a day to him saying “Hey, why haven’t you written?” .  I understand that he is working, and for whatever reason he is unable to communicate with me, I know when he is able he will write. He doesn’t need the added stress of me nagging him when he is trying to keep lives safe.

Last night, after not hearing from him all day, I received one email from him and all it said was “Hello?”

This just set me off!  I was so annoyed.  I decided to not write back.  Until finally I went to bed and simply wrote “Good Night, I love you.”  End of email.

He didn’t like that much.  I couldn’t take it anymore though.  Why is it my responsibility only to carry the world on my shoulders?  When do I get someone to ask me “How was your day?”  and when someone does, I’m so dumbfounded that I have no idea what to say because I’m not used to hearing it!

I know that he is at sea, with no lifeline to the our world but through me, however I am a living, breathing human being too, and I need support and communication and motivation just like he does.  I need a verbal hug.  I need a virtual pat on the back.  I need that hug and compassion and what not that comes from someone caring about my feelings too.  I am just as alone as he is.

I simply responded, and I am paraphrasing here folks “You get what you give” and then I said I would write more in the morning.

I am motivated and inspired to write when my feelings get to the point where if I don’t let them out I will internally combust, which I tend to do anyways…but I’ve learned through sharing my life challenges with you that you sometimes need to know you aren’t alone.

I appreciate you being there to read my words to let me know I am not alone either.

God Bless and stay strong.

Have you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman?  You can find a neat little quiz on the website http://www.5lovelanguages.com.

Many years ago I picked up this book because my husband and I were having difficulties communicating.  I had thought about the Mars/Venus theory but I thought this was a better choice.  Considering it had the word ‘language’ in it.

While reading the book, I found out that my primary love language is “Acts of Service” .  This means that when I am showing my love for someone, whether it be a friend or loved one, that my actions will be what shows them how I feel.  When I am receiving love, acts of service is also how I feel loved by others.  Acts of service speak to me more then gifts, words of affirmation or even physical touch. My husband however, his primary love language is “Physical touch” with “Quality time” as a close 2nd.  Are we compatible?  Well we are more compatible now that we understand how to love one another.

Now if a person who has the love language  “Words of Affirmation”… this person would respond more to someone who flatters them and uses words to lift them up, right?  And the person with the love language “Receiving gifts” would be more receptive to that person bringing them flowers or a box of chocolates.  Something small like a classic movie rental or a present that shows thoughtfulness and preparation would put that person right over the edge.

The relationship my husband and I have is one that has been worked on for years.  It hasn’t always been easy but all in all even the bumps have been fun because it’s forced us to learn new things about one another and we feel accomplished when we work through an issue and come out on top.  My husband is always there to compliment me, he notices when I get my hair done, and I love how his hands appreciate my curves.  I’m there for him when he needs a hug and our nights cuddling on the couch re-energize him.

You know when you have those days that you look in the mirror and say “I look good today”.  Your clothes fit you the way you love them to and you get that tickle in your tummy that tells you that today you are going to initiate some lovin’.  This is huge for my husband because remember, my love language is acts of service but his is physical touch and quality time.  So by me initiating those romantic times it speaks volumes to him.

“The benefits of touch to a person’s health are phenomenal. Touch can reassure, relax and comfort. It reduces depression, anxiety, stress and physical pain; and can be healing. It increases the number of immune cells in the body, and has powerful affects on behaviour and moods. “*

Intimacy and the military is a whole other story.  Every spouse will have a different story, different ideas and every spouse will have a different outcome.  One thing that we all share though is that we are all human and all are physical beings.

So, how does a military spouse handle the fact that, for months on end, even a year or longer they are single in the physical sense but not in the mental?  How does a person survive without being hugged, loved, caressed or stimulated for such a long period of time?

While discussing the topic of sex and intimacy with a military spouse, it is not uncommon to hear stories of infidelity.   This is something that happens all to frequently in the military community.  It’s not always the service member that cheats, quite often it’s the spouse left at home that is the one who breaks the commitment.

Why?  To some the answer might seem obvious.  Long periods of time spent apart, temptation knocking at the front door, “it ‘just happened”.  No matter what you think or why you think it, the fact is that having an affair in the military has become very normal and dare I say accepted.  When someone brings it up, shock is not the first reaction in most cases.  The only time it gets addressed is if the service member gets caught fraternizing with someone in their command.

I can’t count on one hand the amount of affairs my husband has witnessed during his 13 years of service.

I recently read a blog where I found this information:

Is sex a basic human need?

Start with these premises:

  1. A (human) community is obligated to supply those of the basic needs of its members that can be met, unless perhaps these members have freely consented to not having these needs met.
  2. It is not permitted to require anybody to have sex, absent a free promise from the requiree.
  3. If a community is obligated to provide A to x, then it is permitted for the community to require one or more of its members to provide A to x.
  4. There is at least one community where there is at least one individual who (a) is capable of sex; (b) does not have sex with anyone; (c) has not consented to the state of affairs in (b); and (d) nobody has promised anything that entails having sex with this individual.
  5. Basic needs are the same for all members of all (human) communities.

Conclusion:

  1. Therefore, sex is not a basic need.**

I highlighted the sentence in #1 because I think this is the viewpoint that most military spouses take when the subject of sex and intimacy comes up during their partners deployment.  Some of us have mutually consented to not have these needs met.

If a person is single and dating, it’s their choice whether or not they want to invite intimacy between themselves and a suitor into the equation.

Knowing the love languages above, you take someone who is married.  Who has a primary love language of physical touch and put them into a situation where they are around the opposite sex in a friendly setting.  You can see where I am going with this.  Does one too many hugs prove to be too much for this spouse and they find themselves reaching out for that connection because they need it?  Is this a weakness or a sign of selfishness?

It’s very easy for someone who is in a vulnerable position to find themselves ‘taken’ by someone else is who trying really hard to create intimacy.  Sometimes before you even recognize what the other person is doing it’s too late.  And most people are motivated by their own selfish needs and desires.  So, even though the suitor recognizes that the spouse is vulnerable and is in a position of weakness, they will use that as their cue to try and get their own needs fulfilled without understanding the recourse involved.  The spouse may be so deprived of physical touch or quality time with someone that they can’t see straight and just blindly latch on to whomever is making themselves available.  This can go the same for all the 5 love languages mentioned above.

Now the service member who is deployed isn’t immune either.  Their needs are just as important as the ones left behind.  And as studies have shown, physical touch can reduce stress, infuse relaxation etc.  Is it really a surprise that many of our service members stationed in a war zone turn to affairs?  Trust me, I’m not saying it’s acceptable or excusable, I am just seeing if it makes sense when put in a different perspective.

Most times when people find themselves in an affair they assume that it’s going to be easier than what they have now.  The person is showering them with attention, the person is loving on them, flattering them etc.  things in the future are going to be better.  The popular saying “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” comes to mind.  In most situations the ‘initial’ lust phase blinds most people to the reality of the situation.  Most military affairs lead to divorce. Divorce and the military is a very ugly situation.  There may be custody issues in which the military member almost always loses due to their deployment potential.  Financially, our military members are already hurting, now take their pay and cut it in half due to support expenses and fees.   Not looking green is it.

Now the person they are having an affair with has their own set of baggage.  This could just be a conquest for them.  They could be in a relationship too, so now you have 2 separate divorces to go through, custody battles.  What seemed fun and carefree in the beginning becomes a hard truth once the rainbow disappears.

You also have those relationships between 2 service members that occur during deployments, in the navy they are affectionately called “Boat Boos”.  These are relationships that only occur on the ship during the deployment with the understanding that once they get home, they go back to their own separate realities.  For some of you you may think this is a great arrangement.  Best of both worlds.  Until you get caught on the ship and are disciplined for it and you are demoted for it…then what?  Or what happens when one party decides they want more out of it then what you are willing to give and you have the whole ” Fatal Attraction” situation?  What happens to your spouse in that situation?

So what have we learned?  Not much actually.  No matter how many studies, how many demotions, how many divorces occur with our service members and spouses worldwide, unless we all hold each other accountable and refuse to accept the indiscretions we witness on a daily basis then the lives that are destroyed by selfish needs will just continue.

It’s been proven that numbers can change the future.  Imagine if everyone in the military community knew that someone was watching and someone was reporting what they were doing.  If a service member or spouse knew ahead of time that if they go through with it their partner will be told about it…..do you think they would continue?  Or do you think they would actually take a step back and reevaluate their choice?

Only time will tell.

*http://www.suite101.com/content/the-benefits-of-human-touch-a155979

**http://alexanderpruss.blogspot.com/2009/12/is-sex-basic-human-need.html

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